I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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