Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
