She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
