Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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