he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
