My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
