my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
