Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
