Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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