Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
