Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
