just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
