Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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