My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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