Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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