summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have tasted many bathrooms
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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