I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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