Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
