Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
