Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
