rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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