i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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