fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
