CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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