we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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