you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
