it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
