So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
