Four minutes until I can fart!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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