My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
