I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
