nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
