I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
