She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We're too hungover to prance.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
