your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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