Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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