I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
