I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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