I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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