My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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