Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
