I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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