His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
