Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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