my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up under a house in Key West
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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