Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
