Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
