Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
