Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
