the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize