He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
worst night to have a conscience
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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