Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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