she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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