we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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