The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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