cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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