do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
