I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize