WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
